RE: what my anxiety looks like
In my lifelong quest to make sure everything I put out online is filled with irony, I did it! Fuck. I found myself with the title “how to stay organised this autumn” screaming at me on Sunday morning, desperate to be written and posted and shared and all of that ~content creator~ nonsense that goes along with trying to do things like this consistently. Instead, I sat on the couch, very hungover from Oktoberfest, wondering if I should even bother to write content that strategically was going to do well and pull traffic or instead start writing about things I actually want to write about. I ultimately decided it was Sunday and I was allowed to take a break from the “grind” and figure it out for Monday’s post. Then Monday came and went and I still hadn’t written anything. Another day of waking up late, sitting on the couch, and wondering what the actual fuck am I doing right now. It’s fine though. Tuesday will be the day where I actually do things - because I will have a plan.
Now here we are, Tuesday. I just watched this video by Rebecca Jane about what her anxiety looks like and I just get it. It more or less perfectly explained why I didn’t do shit on Sunday or Monday and she really managed to capture how debilitating anxiety can get especially when you feel like you’re trying your hardest to take on board all of the advice, therapy sessions, and “common sense” that you tend to hear when you have anxiety. And that’s what I want to talk about today. It’s not very autumny but hey it’s my blog, so uh, I can do what I want.
Doing What I Want
That last sentence was hard to type because on the one hand I just want to give the world the finger and tell them I can do what I want because I’m an adult and etc, etc and on the other hand I want to rip open my heart and be like “here’s everything you need to know, can I be liked now?” My anxiety looks like this. It looks like trying to please everyone all the time and trying to just be myself the rest of it. I find it really difficult to not think that I’ve made a mistake every time I open my mouth and talk to someone new because a lot of the time I don’t feel like I deserve the platform or the place to have a say in the first place. It’s this little brain limbo that I’m stuck in that make it really difficult to just create things and be happy with them and be confident that what it is that I want to say is actually as important as the next guy.
Changing my hair as a catalyst for change
So in Rebecca’s video she talks about how she’s changing her hair and therefore it’ll help her start to like herself more and kickstart her journey into self love. Now, if that ain’t a fucking mood. I think I’ve had more hairstyles in the past year and a half of living in England than I had in my entire life before that. There’s something about changing my hair that really makes me feel like I’m in control of my anxiety. The fresh look makes me feel like I’m throwing away the mask of anxious person before me and creating this new, better version of me that will just stop being anxious. Surprise, surprise, it doesn’t work. My hair grows out and the anxiety creeps back in. If you’ve seen the latest season of Big Mouth, the way Jessie’s depression kitty comes in and out of her life, is exactly how my anxiety feels. It creeps in when I least expect it and then I get confused because I changed my hair so why is this happening?!
Making things with anxiety
The last little thing that really struck a chord with me was what she said about content creators she looks up to being able to actually make good things. I get it, man. The number one thing out of my mouth in relation to this blog and the youtube and just everything I want to create is but Vlogs Bloggerson does this so much better than me and is actually a proper creator so what am I meant to fucking do?
I don’t have the answer because part one of my brain says don’t do anything and part two of my brain says just do it anyway. This inner conflict really sets off the anxiety because deep, deep down in part three of my brain, I know that talking openly about this kind of stuff is the thing that will remind others that they’re not alone. Rebecca’s video reminded me that even the biggest of creators have weak moments that mirror my own. At the moment, I can only really bring myself to hide behind my laptop screen and type my words out to you, but eventually I’m sure I’ll crawl out from under the anxiety blanket and do what I actually want.
Maybe that’ll be this weeks blogtober theme: things I actually want to write about and find interesting despite the fact my anxiety is telling me nobody cares and it’s not interesting at all. Okay I’m done! Happy blogtober day 6, 7 & 8, regularly scheduled programming is back as far as I can tell.
Until next time,