We are now what is considered “well into” the new year and I am feeling relatively refreshed and ready to take this year by storm. The winter hiatus is now over and my creative juices are slowly replenishing themselves enough to get me to actually get shit done and get my shit together - two very important resolutions on this year's list. The third thing on my resolution list is not so much a resolution but more of a reminder to be more me, because after the post-grad depression and eventual burnout of 2018, I am not letting 2019 be a repeat of a miserable 6 months.
If you're a close friend or unfortunate stranger, you likely saw/heard/comforted me through the last half of 2018 (check the highlights out here!) while I sailed my pity ship on the waves of my tears right the way through to NYE. I'm not going to lie, life post graduation sucked. It was confusing, it was hard, it was a time where I spent a lot of saying things like “but this is what I'm supposed to do!” and “if I get hit by a car (not fatally) how long will I be out of work?”. Yeah… super unhealthy and very concerning for my loved ones. Even though I often write in gross hyperbole, the car thing was no joke. After figuring out that it would put me out of work for at least 6 weeks, I decided to hit up my therapist because who the fuck spends their time wishing to get hit by a car to avoid going to work?!
The answer is someone who is very unhappy and not in the right place. Hello, that was me but a few months ago. It's taken a few too many breakdowns and one beautiful apology to bring me to today's conclusion that maybe, just maybe, there is nothing I'm supposed to do, rather the advice and paths I've been guided (read: forced) down are truly just guidelines. To be super honest, I was the one forcing myself down the guidelines because I was always told that that's how it's meant to be. Shoutout to my high school for the seemingly never-ending trauma and toxic mindset, which eventually lead me to burnout at 21!!
Below is a little visual representation of me when I was doing what I was “supposed” to do vs me doing what I actually needed to do. You can also see this as a person who is in the throes of being burnt the fuck out and someone who is actually feeling joy for the first time in weeks. Ah, to be a young person having to face the world for the first time!
The difference in those images to me is huge. I barely had pictures from the last half of 2018, at least not enough pictures where I'm actually happy - a fatal tragedy in my eyes. How I let it get that way is mostly because of the disconnect between what I felt I had to do vs what I needed to do. Working myself to mental burnout was not good and it left me totally trapped. Looking back on the last 6 months now, it feels like if I had just listened to myself to begin with I wouldn't have ended up in a mess. Ah well, live and learn!
Since the living through misery part is over, the learning part is now. The lesson is pretty much: give more fucks about me! I have decided that it is finally time to do away with the toxic rules and toxic brain and just be me, listen to me, and help myself make better choices. If that means sitting on my butt playing video games while I wait for the results of my job applications to come through then so be it. If it means wrapping up everything on my to-do list before I turn 22 then it's time to get to it. If it means writing actual honest blog posts and using words like fuck and tits without giving a second thought then let's fuck up your tits, 2019!
This post is a little rambly, a little raw, and very real. It's important to me to get this out into the world in hopes that if you, dear reader, are going through the same shit right now, you are not alone. I was not the first to experience this kind of fuckery and I will not be the last. My only advice is ask for help and make changes in your day to day to get yourself out of it and through it. I made it out on the other side so you can too.
In conclusion, here is what my new year's resolutions look like this year:
Get stuff done
Get my shit together
Live life ridiculously unapologetically as myself
Should you stumble upon this months or years from now and find yourself seeing the light at the end of misery mile, these resolutions are also yours for the taking. There's only 3 things on that list so it sounds easy enough for me! I'm off to get started on the laundry and finish of a long unfinished art piece. Let me know what your resolutions are in the comments so I can support you wholeheartedly and remind myself that there are real eyeballs on these posts sometimes.
Until next time,